“There’s a lot of talk, and a lot to be said, for the power of YES. Yes supports risk-taking, courage and an openhearted approach to life whose grace cannot be minimized. But NO – a metal grate that slams shut the window between one’s self and the influence of others – is rarely celebrated. It’s a hidden power because it is both easily misunderstood and difficult to engage.”
Judith Sills, Ph.D.
Let’s start with saying “YES.” As perfectly articulated by Dr. Sills, it is about saying “YES” to something that allows you to stretch beyond your comfort zone and experience something new. It might be saying “YES” to a new hobby that you have always wanted to try. Or “YES” to taking the lead on a new project at work. Or “YES” to asking your boss for a promotion or salary increase after outlining your contributions and efforts at work. Usually, saying “YES” is not a significant life change but rather a step forward in a particular area of your life.
For me, I have found that I go through periods in my life when I am ready to stretch and push my comfort zones, only to retreat to what I know and love. Recently, though I said “YES” to what I would consider a big life change. That was of leaving a community I had worked in for over twenty years to start a new business focused on “whole person” care. Talk about stretching? I had to learn how to start a business, what social media was, how to use Quickbooks and a whole list of other stretching opportunities. That was a big, huge “YES.” That decision came only after much deliberation, planning and following my heart. I knew though that it was the right time to say “YES.”
While a big “YES” change may be in the offering for you, it is always good to start with a smaller “YES” and evaluate the situation as you go forward.
Remember When Saying “YES”
- It should be a positive step forward – not hurting you or anyone else.
- The “YES” should be to help you stretch in some area of your life.
- It does not, and rarely is, a big, huge change.
- And don’t be afraid to fail on your first attempt.
The opposite is of course saying “NO.” Out of either scenario, I find most people have more difficulty with saying “NO.” They believe it is mean-spirited or that the person is just being negative. It is not about either but rather respecting yourself enough to say “NO” when you do not have the energy, the ability or when it comes to the detriment to you or another person. Saying “NO” is really about having enough self-esteem to recognize when enough is enough.
You may need to consider your motivations behind saying a compassionate “NO.” And I did include the word “compassionate.” If you are changing the dynamics in a relationship, saying “NO” may come as a surprise to the other person. To say it compassionately without significant rationalizations behind it is a must. Yet, you may find they are not happy simply because they heard the word “NO.” You wont change their perception. You will however know that you evaluated the situation; considered the implications to your life and compassionately provided that feedback to them. You can control your own actions but you won’t be able to control the response from others.
All of the articles that I write have a personal impact to me and as I have said earlier, I am still learning and making mistakes as I go. Saying “NO” is often difficult for me. Recently, I had a friend who needed help both personally and with work. It felt overwhelming to me – trying to maintain all of the balls in the air – while supporting her life too. When I took time to truly evaluate, I realized that I was trying to be a rescuer and placing expectations on the relationship that she may or may not have had too. I finally spoke to her about where I found myself, and backed off of all of the expectations I was feeling from the relationship. It was a huge relief and more importantly taught me that I am not to control another person’s journey. It is theirs to do with as they wish.
It’s hard. It’s hard work to begin to say “NO” especially if you are use to saying “YES.” I encourage you to really look at your intentions and evaluate prior to saying “NO” if you can.
Remember that when saying “NO”
- Evaluate: is this my stuff or theirs? Be honest!
- What are the dynamics playing out?
- What are my intentions for saying “YES” or for saying “NO?” Evaluate both honestly. This does require you to be up front about your intentions and motivations.
- Claim what’s yours and what you need.
- Speak up with compassion and be truthful.
Are you interested to explore this further? Take a moment now to schedule a session with Mara by visiting https://www.fourdirectionswellness.com/sessions/. Sessions may be done in person, by phone or by web.